Tired of not getting the sex you want? How many couples keep having the same boring, routine, disconnected sex night after night? Do you desire to be sexual in a fresh way? A way that feels more connected, more erotic? How do we get there? Read on to refresh and reconnect your sex life.

You can get the sex you want tonight by communicating about the emotional and physical health of your relationship and following the steps to get reconnected.

Step 1. Set up a time to talk about your sex life. Discuss what is working and what you would like to see changed. Be specific and positive about your requests. For example “I would like us to be sexual two times a week on Wednesdays and Saturdays and for us to explore trying at least one new position each time we are sexual.” The idea being explored during this step is getting over your fear of talking about sex and feeling comfortable and open talking with your partner about what you desire between the sheets.

Step 2. Talk about appreciations. Discuss what you appreciate about your partner sexually. Take turns discussing this important topic. What do you appreciate about the kind of sex you have with your partner? Discuss what they do that you like in relation to how they touch you, how they initiate and how they make you feel. Discussing appreciations will help you reconnect both emotionally and sexually.

Step 3. Reconnect emotionally, plan a date. In order to have a connected relationship and be able to have a healthy sex life, you must invest in creating experiences with your partner. Good sex is rooted in trust and attachment, and if you don’t like each other, the sex will reflect that. It’s a good idea to plan now for when you will be having your regular date night. Once a week or minimum twice a month should be the time you need to stay close. Mark your calendars at the beginning of every month to keep this ritual going.

Step 4. Reconnect sexually, make the time. First, carve out some time to spend together. Start by following through with some of the suggestions your partner made to you during Step 1 of this exercise. You can also try and reconnect sexually by kissing for a while before moving into lovemaking, taking turns participating in foreplay (manual or oral stimulation) or by opening your eyes during lovemaking. The eyes open experience promotes a level of connection that can be very erotic and very connecting. Doing something different during your sexual experience can take your connection to new heights.

Step 5. Track your progress. Use your date night to talk about how things in the relationship feel emotionally and sexually. If you have a request for your partner, let them know. Maybe having him do the dishes or having her kiss you at the door is exactly what you need to feel loved. Try and follow through on what your partner says. Remember, partners don’t read minds, make sure you communicate specific and clear requests for relationship success. Getting the sex you want requires working out your issues with your partner and your own issues with yourself.

So you are now on your way back to reconnecting emotionally and physically. Print out these steps and take them with you as a map to get yourselves back to feeling close.

Goodnight, good luck and remember to always have a sexy marriage!

Lisa Thomas, LCSW, LMFT, DAACS

Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Certified Clinical Sex Therapist


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